Goodbye Love
by Tongari a.k.a Jess
Summary: What goes through Vash's mind after he finds Wolfwood in the church (insert spoiler here). *sob* My first serious Trigun Fanfic. Hope you enjoy! ^_^


The song that inspired me to do this fic and that's lyrics are in it is called Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik. Warning!!!! This fic contains spoilers so if you have not seen past episode  
  
#23 - Paradise I don't recommend you read it.  
  
  
  
~*~ I know what you're doing  
  
I see it all too clear  
  
I only taste the saline  
  
When I kiss away your tears You really had me going,  
  
Wishing on a star  
  
But the black holes that surround you  
  
Are heavier by far ~*~  
  
They tried to keep me from going into the church, tried to keep me from seeing what they knew would hurt me worse then all my scars put together, what they knew would rip me apart. I knew my worst fear was behind those closed doors. Millie and Meryl both tried to stop me from finding out, from seeing him. I didn't want to believe he was gone, how could he leave me? How could he do this to me before I could tell him how I really felt? I had to fight my way past the insurance girls despite their pleas. He was deathly still, hand palm up and limp, eyes closed, deathly still, cold. How? Why? No, Nick! Please no! This wasn't happening! He wasn't dead I could still save him! I just had to try! Why wasn't anyone trying to help him? WHY?! My grief overtook me and I just cried. No shame in the tears the fell from my eyes and to the floor to mingle with his blood.  
  
~*~ I believed in your confusion  
  
You were so completely torn  
  
Well it must have been that yesterday  
  
Was the day that I was born There's not much to examine  
  
There's nothing left to hide  
  
You really can't be serious  
  
If you have to ask me why  
  
I say good-bye... ~*~  
  
I suppose that Millie and Meryl somehow dragged me back to the hotel, I have very little memories of what happened only the feeling of hands helping me up, the solidness and comfort of human warmth on both sides and then the subtle darkness and release from the pain that one finds in sleep. I wish I could have stayed asleep, in my sweet dreams my mind made to help ease the pain of the horrible truth. In my dreams he was still there, not cold and still but warm and alive, there was no blood flowering across his chest and tarnishing the pure white of his shirt. Only him and myself, together, no one else but us and the love we shared when I told him the truth. When I awoke for a moment I thought my dreams were true, that he WAS alive and waiting for me to awake so he could deliver a soft kiss to help me awaken and holding the promise of more soft, loving kisses to come as the day wore on.  
  
~*~ 'Cause I am barely breathing  
  
And I can't find the air  
  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
  
Imagining you care, and I could stand here waiting a fool for another day  
  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
  
Worth the price, the price that I would pay ~*~  
  
But the kiss never came. I would have settled for him to be sitting on the bed across the room still unaware of how I felt, just as long as he was there. My heart broke again when I saw his bed empty and unslept in. I cried again, cried until I was empty of tears and only dry sobs painfully raked my body through and through causing my entire being shake uncontrollably. I have felt so much pain in my life, so much loss, but the dampening of your dark yet beautiful shine has hurt me more then any. You made a deep impact on my life and I now know that I made on in yours as well. I know you died for my cause not your own, you would never have been hit if you had not taken my words to heart and not killed. I thank you Nick, I thank you for not killing but in a way I wish you had chosen a better time. For if you had killed I would still have you here and I would not be hurting like this. Am I being selfish Nick? Wishing you had killed just so that you could have lived a bit longer and made my own personnel hell into an Eden.  
  
~*~ Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?  
  
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out  
  
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain  
  
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame  
  
Will it ever change? Cause I am barely breathing  
  
And I can't find the air  
  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
  
Imagining you care, and I could stand here  
  
Waiting a fool for another day  
  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
  
Worth the price, the price that I would pay But I'm thinking it over anyway... But I'm thinking it over anyway... ~*~  
  
I left my room unchallenged by either the insurance girls, as they were both in their own room. Silently I let my feet guide me where they wanted to go. The city was empty and I was left, untroubled, to my thoughts. When I came back to myself I was outside the church, outside the only place that could help me. My footfalls echoed off the walls making it sound like he was with me, behind me silently watching me with his dark, mocking eyes. His body had been moved when they took the cross punisher and myself. All that was left was a small discoloration in the floor from where his blood had fallen.  
  
Why did I have to fall in love, and with you of all people? I tried to keep you out. Tried to stop myself from become attached when I knew you were trouble but you wormed your way through my defenses into my heart without me noticing until it was too late and I found myself falling had over heals for you. I was afraid of the darkness and mystery that surrounded your soul but at the same time I was attracted to that same dark mystery like a moth is to a flame. It took me until recently to understand that my brother had sent you to shepherd me. I guess he had changed his planes and decided to get rid of me but you must have tried to resist otherwise we would have been in each other's shoes now, you alive and me as the corpse. Did you share my feelings? Did you fall in love with me as well notwithstanding that actuality that it would be your demise? Maybe I wasn't the only one who was lured into temptation by a person who should have been pushed away at the start. I reached the altar, and knelt.  
  
~*~ I've come to find, I may never know  
  
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?  
  
I rise above or sink below  
  
With every time you come and go  
  
Please don't, you come and go ~*~  
  
Did you come here to pray my love? Come here to try and find salvation for the sins that weighed against your soul? Are you here, love? Not in body, no, but in soul? Are you here even though I cannot see you? Are you standing behind me, a coy smile playing across those lovely lips I have desired for so long and yet have only tasted in my dreams? Can you hear me love? Can you hear my thoughts? Are you now leaning on the altar beside me? Smoking a cigarette as always and laughing at my one sided love? Or are you not laughing? I can only wish. If you are listening to me, please listen carefully to what I have to say. Nicolas D. Wolfwood, you have been a trusted companion despite what my instincts told me about you. You and I have fought side by side and on even on opposite sides at some points, but through it all you have been the only one who has understood me completely, the only one who I have shared my secrets with. My past, my present, my hopes for the future, you knew it all and I thank you for listening and becoming my friend. And last of all I thank you for the most important thing of all. I thank you for coming into my life and learning to truly love another being. I love you. I love you. I love you.  
  
~*~ Cause I am barely breathing  
  
And I can't find the air  
  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
  
Imagining you care, and I could stand here  
  
Waiting a fool for another day  
  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
  
Worth the price, the price that I would pay But I'm thinking it over anyway... I'm thinking it over anyway... ~*~  
  
Millie was crying. Her heart broken sobs echoed through the room and reached my ears from outside the walls. Meryl was grieving as well but not nearly as openly as Millie. Me? I had done my crying; I had to try and be strong. How would they take it when I would tell them I was leaving and they could not follow? I had to leave now, had to find Knives and fight him. I could never rest until he was gone, could never die until he was also at peace. Could never see you again, my love, until he was cured of his insanity. Nick, please give me the strength to help my brother. Please, love, help me win so that one day I can see you again.  
  
~*~ I know what you're doing I see it all too clear. ~*~  
  
~*~Owari~*~  
  
What did you think? Sad? Good? Not Good? Please tell me what you thought by either reviewing or by emailing me at candyapple_86@yahoo.com. 


End file.
